I really appreciate all of the comments, support and insight on my last post. I know I’m not alone in my struggles – they are a huge part of each and every one of our lives and experiencing these troubles can be daunting of course, but they are the reason that we are able to grow. I will never consider myself or anyone else a failure for struggling – for these are our stepping stones that lead to a better-lived life.
If you follow me on Instagram, you know that last week I announced that I had decided to compete again next month (hopefully – funds pending, ha!) When I first competed back in March, I was on such a high that I immediately decided to dive right into another show in June, which I ended up not doing for several reasons. I have been having digestive issues that have interfered a bit with my training and growth. I do believe these problems have stemmed from being stressed out – having two jobs at a very social age (I’m only 24) was becoming incredibly hard on not only my physical health, but my mental state as well. I felt like no matter what, I never had any time to myself and things just sort of built up until shit hit the fan and I had a major anxiety attack. I was trying so hard to fall asleep and just couldn’t, so naturally I started thinking about all of the things I needed to get done, the people I desired to see and the things I personally wanted to do for myself. It kind of felt like giant waves were crashing over me and I couldn’t keep my head above them all. Note that I suck at swimming in adverse conditions and would appreciate floaties if available. It was a very strange feeling and it’s definitely a feeling I’d never want to feel again. My breathing became a little short, I started to sweat like a hog on a barbeque, panic and placed my hands over my heart to just try and collect myself. I fell asleep after calming myself down and woke up the next day in a funk. Kind of one of those days where everything irritated me – like “I will make this day my bitch.” except not in a good way…more like “I will make this day my bitch by being a bitch.” Ever have those days? I can look back now and laugh a little about it because the tiniest things would set me off and it was stupid ridiculous. I remember accidentally smacking my head while grabbing something from under my kitchen table and yelling at the kitchen table as if it were a person. Yes, Megan, it is totally the brainless kitchen tables fault for getting in your way, you tell that mindless slab of wood what’s up! Totally moronic, I know. Wish I had it on video.
I moved on from that and decided that it was time to take a step back and collect myself, reach out for help and change my ways. It also really helped to separate myself from certain social media accounts that sort of showed off living a life filled with butterflies and rainbows. Sure, it must be nice to be in your twenties with a super relaxed life and no responsibilities, but I simply can’t relate and found myself getting pissed off at people complaining about things that were so minor. I grew up very comfortably, but my Father also taught me how to be responsible in many different aspects and appreciate the dire need to be independent at a certain age. I realized that seeing people complain about petty things in their glamourous lives was taking up more of my energy than I should have let it. I know it may sound catty of me, but at some point you need to learn how to grow up, struggle and thrive independently. And I think it’s just a tad bit absurd to complain about not having hot water to cook your beloved “oats” in while on vacation – really? You’re on vacation and you’re bitching about oatmeal? See, this is why I needed to take a step back. These certain behaviors are not only disordered, but they’re just negative. Not worth anyone’s positive energy IMO. I obviously still work full time Monday through Friday at my desk job, but I did cut back working weekends at my part time gig. I’ve been able to spend more time with my family, my friends and myself. My heart is incredibly full and although I could say that I’m ashamed at myself for ever putting those three things on the back burner, I’m not. It’s hitting rock bottom that allowed me to discover what I needed to do to resurface. I need balance in my life and I finally feel like I am teetering on a more stable axis now. Shifting my focus from working to make more money to working on myself to make more of a life has been quite the eye-opener. My poop schedule is on par once again. In case you were wondering. Also a tell-tale sign that I’m getting back on my A-game. I even bought myself a new car which I am incredibly proud of – I paid for it in full, meaning no monthly car payments for me, just insurance and maintenance. It’s a 2014 brand spankin’ new Honda Civic that I’ve been stashing away bits & pieces of paychecks for each payday. I have had my old car since I was 15. So this is so fancy to me!
Anywho, aiming for an August show date seems doable to me now and I’m happy to be able to recognize my problems (ie: this and what I posted last about.) My training has gotten significantly better, I am more confident trying new things in and out of the gym, I have been eating more than ever and I still stand by the theory that competing doesn’t have to mean being miserable. I want to be impressionable in the way that I believe in living – and that means not sacrificing my health and happiness, my sanity or my relationships for something so vain. Yes, competing can be viewed in many different ways depending on who’s eyes & mind you’re scoping through, and that’s okay because not everyone is going to accept everything that you do, that’s life. We repel people so that we allow more space for the people that we attract and can embrace. I do plan on prepping for the show by myself – minus posing, that I will be getting more lessons on.
I feel like I just needed time to focus on other things rather than competing and working so, so much. In fact, I know I needed time to focus on other things. I can’t thank God enough for putting so many good people in my life who have helped me recognize that I am not alone in my struggles and expressing them not only helps me become a better person, but it might help others too. I am blessed beyond measure and live such a wonderful life and I want to share it – the good, the bad, the happy, the sad. Life is made up of so many different realms, but we must consciously remember that they are all serving us a purpose.
So in closing, I thank you for being a reader, a friend and a human being.
Peace and love!