Good afternoon, friends I’m currently blogging from Starbucks, soaking up some sun from the window and soaking up some caffeine. Oh yeah! Before I left I had my new fave snack that I have to share – it’s kind of just a hodgepodge but whatever! Greek yogurt with flaxseeds, pepitas, strawberry jam and bananas! Scoop it with some peanut butter and you’re good to go!
I’m making the most of my day off by checking some things off of my to-do list…first up? A hair cut, obviously. I don’t know how I used to go more than 3 months without getting a trim, seriously. I’m not sure if it’s the cold, dry weather we’ve had here this winter, but I can always tell when it’s time for a trim cause it starts to resemble a broom used to clean up a 3rd grade classroom after arts & crafts time. Putting it up in a bun doesn’t do much for me either – hello, birds nest. Anywho, I had to get a few things with my car checked out as well and the prognosis isn’t good for my wallet…I’m considering just looking for a new car since I have a Saturn and Saturn is no longer in business. I have to promise myself that I won’t completely trash the inside of my next car – my room is spotless, my bathroom is too (usually) but you could probably go dumpster diving in my car. Classy!
Other than the to-do list, I’ve just been relaxing. No gym for me today. Joel (my boyfriend) and I went to the gym early on Sunday morning and I took a spinning class called RPM – I LOVED it and am considering joining the gym that it was hosted at since it’s right next to my work. Plus, Whole Foods employees get a special deal…fancy! We actually headed to Whole Foods afterward and got ourselves some omelets made in-store at the omelet bar – SO huge and SO delicious. That’s definitely what she said. We went to church after that and then I headed into work. It’s pretty easy to schedule workouts around my work schedule thankfully. I’m trying a new split of cardio and weights. I’m still primarily focusing on lifting, but I do want to up my running mileage to potentially run a 5k or 10k in the springtime or summer with Joel and/or some pals. The Color Run looks AWESOME.
Alright, down to biz nazzzz now – I’m not sure how much of my story I’ll have time to type out right now before my internet runs out here at Starbies, but I’ll do my best. A chapter a post? Hope ya’ll don’t mind. If you missed the other parts – please check my last post and for the very beginning, you can read the end of this post.
Between seeing the hurt I was causing my loved ones and the people surrounding me at the time, I knew I had to change and really snap out of this ridiculousness. I was also pretty pissed about my hair, my skin and just my overall decline in personal comfort from being so thin. Shoot, I was weird looking, unnaturally bony and damn did my tailbone hurt. I also missed my butt tremendously…this may be TMI but I had such a nonexistent butt that none of my farts made noise! I guess cause my bumcheeks were too far apart. Ha ha…sorry, had to share that memory. I ate a ton to gain the weight back – a TON. I remember going out to eat a lot and ordering heavy meals to get ample and easy calories in, but I was always uncomfortable. I was never hungry during this process and felt like I was constantly eating. Some nights I felt like a big blob rolling around in bed trying to fall asleep on a stomach full of the entire fridge and pantry. I’m surprised I didn’t accidently eat my dog. I was determined to gain the weight back, more importantly, though, I was determined to gain my life, my confidence and the trust of other people back.
I prayed, a hell of a lot; for myself, my family and friends that I had hurt, I also prayed for the life that I know I needed to be living. I’ve always been “religious” and I’ve always gone to church – although not every Sunday – but I never really allowed God to come into my life and take control. In fact, I never knew exactly how to do that because I was always trying to take control. In all of this mess I had learned the most important thing that I’ll ever learn in my entire life – and that is to leave it in God’s hands, all of it. Let God take the reigns and believe that He has the power – the only power – to change my life. I realized how many blessings I truly had in my life…my family and friends being the most prominent and my source of happiness throughout every experience. I don’t have a good life, I have a freaking AWESOME life and I know that now because I live my life in a way that constantly reminds me that I am not in control and that’s perfectly okay. I also now realize that I cannot strive for perfection because it simply does not exist in human form. I strive for happiness and count my blessings daily.
It still baffles me how truly wonderful my life is, especially lately. Sure, I still have days where I feel like absolute crap about my body, but sometimes all it takes is for me to squeeze my buttcheeks (for real!) and be thankful that they no longer go inward. I’m in my mid 20′s and I get zits, so what? That’s what they make cover up for. Sometimes my stomach sticks out a little further than I’d like, but hey, that’s what they make buttons on your pants for. Somedays I read magazines and question my habits in comparison to what’s “right” or “healthy” but soon realize that I can’t take every piece of advice I receive and just because something is right doesn’t mean I’m wrong. I eat a heck of a lot more than the suggested diet plans I usually come across, but I know what I need deep down inside. I have muscle and I love it, and lifting has done so much for my body composition which has also directly affected my confidence. God has given me a beautiful body and a very capable body as well – that I am so grateful for. I am grateful that I can curl, I can do massive amounts of pushups, squats, etc. I HAVE to be grateful for this and although I could say I regret ever disrespecting the body God gave me, I don’t regret it one bit. I don’t regret it because this was the way that I learned how to really appreciate my blessings – one of them being my body. It feels so empowering to know what I’ve been through and where I am now in terms of my confidence and ability to talk to people about my past.
Being at peace with my life now is all thanks to the people in my life and just being a human, because that’s all I can be.
I have a good job, a supportive family, a dad that has been there for me 110% since day one, a best friend that I share everything with (including a ton of laughs!) and a boyfriend who has really opened my eyes to so much and has given me more than I could have ever imagined. I am so beyond blessed. My life is in God’s hands and that’s where it stays. I know there will be days where I will struggle, and that’s okay. My faith will guide me and I can breathe easily knowing that peace is always possible within oneself if you let it be.
Peace and love!
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